Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
