I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
