i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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