Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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