how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
