i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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