I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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