The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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