i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
