I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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