I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
