Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
