The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
