Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
