things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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