God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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