I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
