I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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