There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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