I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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