I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
