As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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