so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
