I accidentally had phone sex last night
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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