I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We need a shit load of segways right now
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
