If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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