I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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