so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
