I wish my penis had an off switch
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here