Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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