I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
