Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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