totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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