i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
