K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
