Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
