I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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