i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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