The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
