I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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