Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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