His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
