I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
