if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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