tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
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My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
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In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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