you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
