Old men and throwing up are my life now.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I love having hate sex.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
