chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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