i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I FOUND THE LEGS
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize