hotel room ftw
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
