I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
