I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
