my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
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Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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