I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize