it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
