i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize